Thanksgiving, a day that will haunt me every year

November 26, 2005. 3 days before my dad died, it was Thanksgiving day. My family was at the hospital in his room and we all talked and shared memories. Thanksgiving that year...was not the same. And it never will be again. The rest of our family, cousins, aunts, and uncles, all celebrated thanksgiving at my cousin Steven's house. There was a huge gathering there, but we stayed at the hospital for a portion of the night. However, instead of staying with my father for the remainder of the night, for some fucking reason, we left to Stevens house to celebrate for a bit. What the fuck were we thinking? Did i seriously leave my father at the hospital on thanksgiving day? 3 days later, he died. I will never forgive myself for leaving to go to Steven's house. I don't care if we only left him for several hours, what we did was wrong.

I regret being such a jack ass to my dad. I always sided with mom, at times I even hated him, but for what? Stupid things. I wasn’t old enough to know anything back then. When he got sick, I didn’t even bother to be that close to him. Every time he needed help with something, I would grumble and moan and do it as if I didn’t want to. He ended up being mad and doing things on his own. Why couldn’t I just help him without complaint? He was dying for fucks sake. Every time I had to go to the hospital with my mom, I was more concerned about other things. When I sat in that room with him in his bed, I would be on aim on the computer in the room. I should have been sitting there like a son, and talking to his dying father. Maybe it was because I really didn’t think he was going to die soon, but he did.

Im not sure when it happened, or why, but there was a point of time in my life when i stopped talking to my dad. Maybe it was a series of events that lead up to it. I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. Sometimes I wonder what my dad thought of me. I never realized how proud he was of me. After he died, my mom told me he always talked about me and said I was the smartest of the family. He knew I’d be the top of my class and be successful one day. He believed I could be a doctor. He said he just wished he would live long enough to at least see me graduate. He didn’t want me to grow up so young without a father like he did.

My actions will haunt me forever. As a son, I wish I would have treated him better when he was still alive. I really, really fucked up.

Why do bad things happen to fucking good people?

Today has been a bad day. I woke up late for school. Stupid neighbors told me to slow down when I was driving posted speed limit. That really pissed me off. People at school pissed me off, school itself was pissing me off. I saw that I scored below average on my midterm. I went to eat Chinese food and their Sweet and Sour Chicken tasted like sour patch kids. Wtf happened to the “sweet” part. I went home, felt like shit. I decided to go continue my training for my fight. I end up screwing up my wrist 2 weeks before it. It better heal fast. Honestly, nothing has driven me to make me feel good since summer.

Everything pisses me off. Just a few days ago, I found out my aunt might have bone cancer. Cancer… I know this piece of shit very well. Fuck cancer. Not only is it just some kind of cancer, but BONE cancer. For god’s sake, their family is perfect. Why is this happening? My uncle worked so hard to get to where he is today. Built up his wealth, building a mansion, has a beautiful wife, and especially, 2 gorgeous little daughters that I love. THE perfect family. Yet one day, for some reason, she has to go to the hospital and her body no longer has white blood cells. Bad things happen to good people, and it fucking sucks. This is one reason why I no longer believe in God.

The other day I took the 2 daughters out with my brother to eat ice cream. It was a fun experience, I have the time of my life when Im with them. They make me laugh. It pains me to know what might happen to their mom. I lost my father at the age of 16, I couldn’t imagine them going through it at such a young age. I want to be a big influence on their lives, and take them out more often. They seem to really look up to me. I plan on taking them to the aquarium or out somewhere next week. Family bonding to me is extremely important.

Off topic, but on a side note, ive always been pissed off when I think about some friends. You don’t really always know who they are. One in particular, that I WAS extremely close with…smoked weed, and they never told me this. The funny thing is, someone asked me if they did, and I defended them. I stated, “there’s no way.” he/she is not like that, wouldn’t do that, never. They know better. Turns out, I confronted this person and couldn’t believe I defended them. I wonder what else there was about he/she that I never knew about. Probably a lot. I hate people who smoke, and find it extremely disgusting when females smoke.

My boxing match is in 2 weeks. I’ve worked hard, very hard. Everyday since summer I trained until I felt like dying. My shirt would be so soaked I would have trouble taking it off. Thoughts that anger me, thoughts that make me want to crush everything….this is what fuels my work out. I remind myself of everything that I hate so much, and as I do this, my arms gain more strength and my adrenaline continues to pump. I have the strength to go beyond my normal physical capabilities because of this. Everything that I put into my training, my sweat, my blood, my rage and angers, will be in my fists. These fists will connect and I feel very sorry for whoever is against me. No hard feelings yo, but you’re gna get hurt if you’re in the ring with me. Of course however, I love boxing. I love fighting. It’s my passion. Its an art. However, just currently… it’s been helping me vent.

School sucks. No idea what I yet want to do with my life.